When I work from home, my desk faces a bus stop in front of my window. Today, I watched a young couple, around 20 years old, sitting at the bus stop. The woman appeared to be having a panic attack—struggling to breathe, standing still, shaking, and in visible distress. My instinct was to rush outside and help, but what struck me most was the way her partner responded. He sat quietly beside her, gently massaging her shoulders, saying nothing, just being a calm, grounding presence for her for the next 30 minutes.. no rush, no pushing, just being. It was a beautiful, powerful moment of support and I felt privileged to be able to witness that moment.

In recent years, I’ve observed a growing number of men becoming more attuned and proactive in supporting their partners through mental and physical health challenges. This shift feels significant, especially when contrasted with discouraging research highlighting how many women are abandoned by partners during serious illnesses like cancer, to the extent that hospital staff are trained to prepare women for potential abandonment. Yet, in my practice, I am witnessing a hopeful change—men actively seeking ways to help, learn, and become part of their partner’s healing journey. Although on this article I am mentioning partners, I also see fathers, brothers and friends who want to show up differently for the women in their lives.

One client recently shared that her partner asked for tools to better support her during difficult times. This has become increasingly common in my sessions—men showing a willingness to learn emotional skills and asking for practical guidance. I believe men deeply want to be supportive, but barriers like social conditioning, lack of role models, and pressures from toxic masculinity often sabotage their ability to show up in the ways their partners need.

Masculinity, Connectedness, and Mental Health 

Research highlights that traditional masculinity norms can discourage emotional vulnerability in men, making it harder for them to connect deeply with their partners during times of distress (Oliffe et al., 2019). However, patterns are shifting and men are finding new ways to express care—through quiet presence, acts of service, or learning emotional skills—that redefine what strength in relationships can look like. A big number of men coming to therapy now seek help in how to support their partners who have experienced horrendous sexual trauma, in childhood and adulthood, emphasizing that women are feeling safer in revealing what happened to them, because the men in their lives are providing that safety and space for healing. Social connectedness and supportive relationships are key protective factors against mental health struggles for both men and women.

The Role of Emotional Competence in Relationships

A meta-analysis on emotional competence shows that being able to recognize, understand, and manage emotions is crucial for relationship satisfaction and resilience (Leibovich et al., 2024). Emotional competence allows partners to provide not just physical support, but emotional attunement—being able to sit with discomfort, validate feelings, and offer reassurance without minimizing or problem-solving prematurely. This is exactly what I observed at the bus stop—a partner present, steady, emotionally available, and it's something that my clients and I practice often. Men need help understanding that women are not problems to be fixed, but have experiences that they need support and validation to get through.

Emotional Intelligence as a Foundational Skill

Emotional intelligence (EI) goes hand in hand with emotional competence. EI includes self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, and motivation (Akhtar, 2024). A supportive partner with high EI is able to recognize their own stress responses, avoid making the moment about themselves, empathize deeply, and stay motivated to help even when it feels uncomfortable or overwhelming.

Supporting Perinatal Women’s Mental Health

The perinatal period (pregnancy through postpartum) is a vulnerable time for women’s mental health. Research shows that supportive partners can significantly buffer against perinatal anxiety and depression (Slomian et al., 2022). Simple acts such as listening without judgment, sharing household responsibilities, and reassuring a new mother that she is not alone can make a profound difference.

Practical Tools for Partners Wanting to Support Their Loved Ones:

1. Learn to Listen, Not Fix: Validate emotions instead of jumping to solutions. Women can solve a lot of life's challenges, but they need someone to encourage them so they can empower themselves and someone to witness their growth.

2. Stay Calm and Present: Often, quiet support—holding hands, sitting close, offering grounding touch—helps more than words.

3. Educate Yourself: Learn about mental health conditions your partner is experiencing, as it helps with the sense of helplessness and powerlessness that can can arise in men and cause frustration in them and their relationships.

4. Ask What Helps: Don’t guess—ask your partner what support feels good for them, but not during the crisis. Find a quiet moment to open this topic and together explore ways that could help her feel supported.

5. Build Your Emotional Intelligence: Practice self-awareness and empathy daily, by reading books, listening to podcasts and watching how others around you handle such situations. Connecting with your other male friends is very helpful to exchange information and also support each other, but also tap into the women in your life. They can provide great insights.

6. Seek Guidance: Couples counselling or workshops can teach specific supportive skills.

7. Maintain Your Own Mental Health: Supporting someone else can be heavy, especially if it's related to sexual trauma and violence. In my practice, women usually are more worried how their treatment will affect their partner, which can have an impact in their process. Seeking therapy or peer support for yourself helps you show up better.

   
   

The story at the bus stop reminded me that support isn’t always grand gestures or perfect words. Sometimes, it’s about being a safe, steady presence when someone’s world feels out of control. As men increasingly learn and embrace this role, we’re seeing a new, hopeful narrative unfold—one where love means partnership, presence, and emotional courage.